Two Brides

What she hates
November 28, 2007, 2:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Decorno posted this and I just could not help but laugh. A whole post on what she hates about weddings.

I have one to add that really really pisses me off: releasing ANYTHING at your ceremony. Butterflies, doves, balloons…they all die! The balloons pop and choke wildlife, the butterflies and doves don’t know where the hell they are and all likely die. Nothing beats starting your married life by killing helpless animals 🙂

copied from blog

1. Jordan almonds. One the trend spectrum (or circle, really since things just keep going away and coming back in like some virtuous circle), jordan almonds are so bad and so tacky that they are almost back. ALMOST. But not. And really, not ever. I just paid probably $100 or more for your gift. All I expect is a timely thank-you on nice stationery, and frankly, even if you forget, I won’t hold it against you. If I came to your wedding, it’s because I love you and I am thrilled for you. Save the $5 per guest that you invested in your silly little boxes and ribbon and forget the little candy you placed inside. I would rather have a bar of Scharffen Burger chocolate than the stale nuts or waxy chocolate, so do everyone the favor of bypassing the awkward little going-away gift. No jordan almonds, please. No M&Ms with your initials. Just a nice plate of beef or fish, please, and some good wine. That’s all your guests need.

2. The accidental invitation. You know the one you get from the colleague with whom you are friendly and currently working on a short-term project? Just because we have hit it off, and because I ask about your nuptials (how can I not ask? You probably already mentioned it 9 times) please don’t feel that you need to send me a belated invitation. I hardly know you. And now it’s awkward for both people. I have to free up a Saturday, find a gift… you have to explain to your friends who the hell I am… it’s awkward. Invite people you have known for more than 3 years and with whom you socialize outside of work. Anything less is just weird. You don’t want a bunch of people in your wedding photos whom you won’t know in another 3 years.

3. Tiaras. I am not even going to explain why.

4. Familial or social atonement. Have a big rift with poppa and think a wedding invitation is just the thing to mend the two of you? Wrong. Old bitchy friend you had a falling out with, and you think inviting her is the best olive branch you can extend? Forget it. Weddings are bad places to mend those fences, and a tacky thing, too. Mend privately before or after, and spare everyone the Dr. Phil-ness of it all.

5. Thinking it’s going to be the most amazing wedding ever. It won’t be. I guarantee it. So pack your humility and sweetness and aim for a fun party and don’t think that custom-stenciled aisle thingy is so grand and that we’ll all notice. We won’t. I mean, come on… we’re a culture that’s watched behind-the-scenes-Colin-Cowie-fest footage of Oprah parties… we all know what grand (or vulgar, depending on your take) is. Most of us can’t afford it. So don’t try to stretch the dollar too far. Cut your guest list and make it great for fewer people. No one will be impressed with dry chicken served to 250 in the same way that they will adore you for renting out a restaurant for 50 and throwing the dinner party of a lifetime.

6. Too many attendants. I actually think the correct number is very close to zero, but that’s me. Too many (esp the older the couple is) and it’s just weird.

7. Planning a weekend-long wedding full of attendance-expected events. Look, people it’s YOUR day. And just because it’s massively special for you, this is one of MANY we will have to attend, so ease up. You get ONE day. You do not get the brunch the day before, and the clam-dig the afternoon before, or the cocktails-on-the-boat event the day after. You get one day, and you need to feed us and give us liquor and you need to show us a good time, but we are not at summer camp and we are not going to go to 5 different events the weekend of your wedding. I, frankly, have shit to do. Shit that has nothing to do with you.

8. Ghetto locations. Or predictable ones. There is a fun space in Seattle called Lake Union cafe. Inside it’s good for a party… outside, it’s next to a run-down old palm reader’s shack. In 2 years, this street will be charming… but for now, it’s rude, I think, to make people walk past squalor to get to your event space. Plus, I have a thing against places designed just to hold events. Call me crazy, but they are the worst. I would rather walk past squalor (and the palm reader, even) and go somewhere odd like a dim sum place, than go somewhere where everyone has their weddings. It’s too factory-like. Impersonal.

9. Your big gross wedding registry when you’re over 28 years old. Please add to this, any sort of “We have everything we need, so give cash please… or pitch in on our online vacation registry (which is just another way to save give cash, please). I will not, thank you very much. “


2 Comments so far
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10) Rice!
11) Horse-drawn anything

Comment by divakitty

400+ photos on the wedding website. Top twenty please!

Chicken Dance/ Hokey Pokey- Just don’t! Ever! Ditto for the Locomotion.

Brown nail polish on the bride. Ew.

Comment by Jewel

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